Stay Put(t-Putt)

With a single rocket launch, the population of the cosmos has doubled overnight… or so says one misinformed reporter. While this eager space enthusiast may be, for lack of a better word, ignorant in his laughable assumption that only humans will be counted in the next great space census (expect a knock on your door in 13,254), he does bring up an interesting debate: should the people of earth be clamoring to get off the planet and move into a cozy studio airlock chamber somewhere in the neighborhood of Mars?

According to the dire predictions of one well-informed politician, yes.

Despite my own enthusiasm to see mankind join the rest of the galaxy-hopping species while it can still be considered “fashionably late,” rushing the process can only lead to disaster. No regrettable tale illustrates this point better than that of the mini-golf loving Namtorians. 

Namtorians had occupied their planet for over 5,680,000 years. So, as you could imagine, they had exhausted nearly every putt-putt layout imaginable, and were quite bored with their surroundings. One day, after hitting himself in the face with a rubber band, the Namtorian emperor decided that the entire population of the planet should be launched into space in a single vessel, where they could presumably dream up ways of getting multicolored balls to pass beneath pint-sized windmills in zero gravity. Unfortunately, their primary means of propulsion resembled something like this, and the Namtorians never made it to hole one.

In short, people of Earth, don’t jump the gun on this one. You’ll find yourselves orbiting another universe’s sun soon enough. In the meantime, keep an eye on those icecaps.